I'm incapable of forming lasting, meaningful bonds with others.
I stopped talking to my last online contacts in 2016, and burned bridges with my last school friends in 2018, prompted by a desire to be alone and by being sick of school.
I used to occupy a lot of my time venting in journals, but, since 2023, I've actively taken to posting on anonymous imageboards to fill my desire for socialization. It's mostly worked, I've had great interactions and back and forths, of which I couldn't have had anywhere else, but there isn't really a point to it. Interacting in chans is indispensable if you want to fit into their userbases, but for anything else? It's mostly a time sink, probably.
I've kind of lost the desire to use anonymous imageboards anymore, besides one general, because today I opened 1500chan and saw a /co/ thread on /b/, the exact kind of thread I'd want to post in, even featuring a Litterbox comic and a cute Star GIF in the OP:
But I immediately noticed I don't have anything I can really add to it. I've kept a bunch of pony threads alive on /b/, since they usually don't even reach 50 posts, and I've consistently posted on western waifu type threads, but if the bread topic isn't very specific like that, or if the thread doesn't just have a single anon I can keep a conversation with by asking questions, my mind draws a blank trying to think of a way to generate or maintain engagement.
It's almost like an elementary school, the feeling of seeing other classmates doing things you might want to do but having no idea how to even go about becoming part of it. The difference is that it's not due to a lack of social skills, it's because I am just that boring of a nonpersonality.
I did use to lurk and post on /co/, but the overabundance of either cumdupsters or trannies concern trolling on 4chan made me get sick of it, and when it's not that, they instead pretend to represent some invisible majority who supposedly always composed the core enjoyers of a hobby, and we're the "chuds" or "moids" or "incels" or "shitlords" that are robbing it.
Anyway. I'm not too good at socialization, unless I can just continue what someone has set up. That means using any kind of forum besides chans is out of the question, and even in those I lack enough proactivity and interestingness to actually contribute.
If anything, this rant proves I'm not and could not be considered introverted nor asocial. Craving some kind of social interaction consistently for years goes against the notion. Just because real social interaction sucks doesn't mean I don't crave some different kind of it.
The other thing this highlights is my close-mindedness. It's the reason I always get the desire to reclude when things in my life threaten to, by their very essence, be something I dislike. These last weeks I've really wanted to make this blog my little corner of the web and cut off every other social media, including chans, to the extent I can.
Let's see if and how that idea sticks. Hopefully I can make a lot of blog posts I actually want to keep online for more than a few days.